New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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