Got a toothbrush?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
