Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
