I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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