I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
