Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
