Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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