Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
