i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
