hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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