Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
