i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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