she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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