I wish I could teleport
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
