Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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