I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
