Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
