I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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