the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
don't judge my taste in strippers
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
