so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
