On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
