Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
