Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
