I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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