if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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