the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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