I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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