I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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