Your mouth is God's brothel.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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