I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
