Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
