i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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