bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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