The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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