i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
