I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
