I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
