If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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