Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this boner is exhausting
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
