I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
