Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
