I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
