glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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