What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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