Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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