So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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