I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
