I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
