she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
