My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
